Does everyone know about Suchov already? You’re car people, after all! Even I know about it… Those who don’t, read here. “Good afternoon. My name is Suchov Vladislav Vladimirovich. I accidentally became a police captain. And that’s understandable — the system works this way. I accidentally pulled up to the car in which the video’s author was sitting. But I didn’t know he was the video’s author!!! If I had only known that he was the video’s author — I would have immediately told him so through his closed window: “Knock-knock! Hello, video author! I am police captain Suchov Vladislav Vladimirovich, and this is my democratic baseball bat! May I knock on your mirrors to clarify the question of whether you are involved in surveillance and banditry, and whether you have a pistol with which you are about to shoot me through the closed window?” That is how I would have politely asked him, as a citizen who might be a bandit and probably intended to take all my money… later, sometime. It’s quite possible. Later. Someday. After all, anything can happen! My car accidentally came equipped with an aerodynamic spoiler not provided by the manufacturer. I accidentally opened the trunk and accidentally pulled out the bat that accidentally happened to be there. I immediately accidentally approached the video author’s car and completely accidentally threatened him with violence. In Libya, God knows what is going on — watch the news yourselves!!! And so I decided to check — what is going on in this insolent car of the insolent provocateur — the video’s author!!! I politely and lawfully asked the video author for a cigarette. In response I received a provoking, insolent refusal in a rude manner, delivered in a whisper, so that the camera turned off and then kept recording everything wrong even long before my polite, profanity-free and threat-free address. Listen to how it actually happened. Everything said by anyone other than me is a lie. I accidentally thought that I could smash the mirrors of the rude armed bandits even better than “Berkut,” so I accidentally tried to sort it out myself, as always worked while I was growing up to become a police captain. Everyone knows how many cases of police officers attacking citizens there are now, and how many citizens have been killed in this country at the hands of the police. Not long ago I myself will completely be attacked by police officers, when I am no longer a police captain. And then I too will accidentally forget to call “Berkut,” since I accidentally have a bat that I accidentally permitted myself to carry! And I did not want to be filmed on video even accidentally. And approaching the unidentified car of Libyans, I was expecting a pistol or some other surface-to-air missile system to be aimed at me from inside at any moment, with a shot ringing out at any second. For this reason I also wanted to accidentally knock out their brains and mirrors in a polite manner — with the police captain’s accidentally permitted bat. When the window came down, the person sitting at the wheel whispered in the Chinese-Libyan dialect “Allahu Akbar” and fired a rocket-propelled grenade at me. But I was loudly enough not scared… not scared… not scared… because I have an adequate bat belonging to a captain in the traffic police system. Now I understand everything in a whisper: they are bandits. After that I accidentally kept speaking the way that was accidentally provoked against me in the video, always accidentally thinking that I was talking to potential criminal offenders. I acknowledge this incorrectly. But first and foremost I accidentally thought that they themselves would be the first to accidentally provoke an entire video by the author against me. And most importantly, I was expecting a shot to ring out at any moment. But now I know: a bat does not shoot. And therefore I did not even faint at the thought that they might use a howitzer or an entire cannon against me! And in such a situation it is impossible to speak politely. Have you yourselves tried to speak politely when a howitzer might be aimed at you from a window to fire like bandits??? If the driver of the car had said he represented a civic organization, or simply wanted to film police officers on camera, I would have calmly turned around and gone to faint. And if he had told me this yesterday — well, why not??? But the driver kept telling me “Allahu Akbar, takhtarkha bar and syrasу bar!” That was clearly a lie. The obvious lie put me on alert. I am always put on alert by obvious lies, especially when a howitzer in quantities of up to a platoon of insolent bandit-provocateurs might be aimed at me from a window. Since, I will accidentally repeat myself, I accidentally knew for certain that this exact car had been following the patrol vehicle for quite some time. I carried on… I essentially went off — and I agree with that. But all my personal data was published. In a day I receive hundreds. And thousands. Now that chapter is closed. I want to ask the video’s author: was this what he wanted? Is it really that, because of me, traffic police officers in Ukraine will now start working better? I have all the personal data of the video’s creator. But I am not posting it on the Internet, because I respect his right to a safe life. I explained this to him right away, next to his car, and as proof I showed him my legitimate bat, certified by myself. I am ready to meet him at any TV channel or in any ditch — let him show his face, if he believes he is fighting for a righteous cause. Why does he keep hiding from me? A civilized country differs from a savage one precisely in that all issues must be resolved by the civilized means of my bat, and not by posting the personal data of accidentally former Interior Ministry employees on the Internet at a time when crime is running rampant in the country. And in Libya things are completely off the rails! I wish I could give them my bat! And I also believe that every person should know their rights and defend their point of view in a civilized manner. And police captains may do so by means of a democratic bat. I behaved in the best manner, comparatively speaking. But, I repeat, I was thinking. Now it is clear to me that it was a planned provocation. But the method of provocations does not work in the civilized country of Ukraine.
I am ready to answer ADEQUATE questions from forum members (DK) every Thursday starting March 31, from 14:00 to 16:00. Come to the ditch.” Kissing you tenderly and thoroughly, always yours, Suchov.